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Talk:Storm Zealots
OK - As is normal when I critique one article, I will try to be as thorough as possible. In other words - I have a lot to say haha. *Though it is refreshing to see a quote that isn't from a Chapter Master, do make sure that - in the context of your article - it has meaning. There's no point having a cool-sounding quote if it means nothing. *With the Chapter's Gene-Seed, I find it almost impossible that the Chapter's Gebe-Seed would be chimeric in origins unless the Chapter was formed during the 21st 'Cursed' Founding. And even if they were Founded during the 21st 'Cursed' Founding using a chimeric Gene-Seed, it'd be a very good idea to explore the reasons as to wh, otherwise there's no point and you might as well pick a single Chapter to be their progenitors. *"The Storm Zealots are one of the 23rd Founding Space Marines that all members of it's Chapter are originally from Jeras..." **This reads very awkwardly. Not only that, it implies that there might be other Chapters drawing their recruits entirely from Jeras. **It might be a lot better to word it in such a way as to say that the Chapter recruits soley from Jeras. This way, you remove the confusion and make the point clear. *You could also redefine their purpose to be a little more generic. Say something along the lines of the Chapter being created to be praetorions of the Eastern Fringe in light of numerous threats. Then, when you flesh out their background and notable campaigns in later paragraphs and sections, then you can go on to talk about Chaos, the Tau, Tyranids, etc etc etc. *I think you've taken the idea of 'Following after the Salamnders' a bit far. **The trait you say they share with the Salamanders in terms of concern for citizens is not unique to the Salamanders. The Salamanders are just the most notable Chapter when looking at this particular trait. **I highly doubt that Astartes would interact with their human families in the ways you're probably trying to convey. **Astartes are almost never ever going to have enough time to serve as Clan Leaders, Community Workers, or any time-intesive role that doesn't directly serve the Chapter. *There are a few issues wih the Ex-Imperial Fist Astartes: **An Astartes - as a general rule - cannot serve in more than one Company. In other words, this Ex-Imperial First cannot serve in both the 2nd and 3rd Companies. He might serve in one Company and fight alongside the other Company because the battle scenario calls for it, but he can't serve in both Companies. **If he really served in the Horus Heresy, he'd be one of the oldest Space Marines alive and/or to have ever lived. This is pushing your fanon a bit hard. *Most Space Marine Chapters are tolerant of abhuman races to some degree or another, so unless there is something there that is supposed to make the Chapter's tolerance of them relatively special, it's not worth mentioning. *It is almost impossible for every Astartes within the Chapter to 'own' and properly operate a suit of Centurion Armour. Neither a Chapter not the Adeptus Mechanicus would have the resources to give any Chapter that many suits of Centurion Armour let alone be able to maintain that number of suits. *I'm honestly not surprised that the Chapter is one of the few Chapters (if not the only Chapter) to have a close connection with the 48th Jerasian Defenders Regiment given their recruiting ground, but unless you can make that relationship important, it's not worth mentioning. *The way you describe the recruits unusually high age at the time of their induction into the Chapter seems to imply that they are part of an Abhuman Species and thus unfit to be selected as part of the recruitment pool for a Space Marine Chapter. **Also, on the "Family Visits" business - Not only is that highly unlikely, but there is no such thing as "Peace Time" for a Space Marine Chapter. There is only shades of grey. *The fact that the Chapter posesses so few Dreadnoughts and vehicles while it focuses on other things seems oddly focused on things you find in the Tabletop Codex as opposed to the lore as a whole. **Also, you'd need a good reason for this otherwise it's content for the sake of content. *You also have a paragraph in there that seems to suggest that the Chapter needs a very good reason to head off of their Homeworld and go to war. This is rather silly. Why would a Space Marine Chapter be created to defend such a relatively insignificant world? **There are very few worlds that would warrent the creation of a Space Marine Chapter in order to protect and there are two things to say about this: ***Such a world would most surely not be the Homeworld of your Chapter. ***Even if a Chapter was created predominantly to protect a world, they would fight elsewhere without requiring an overwhelmingly powerful reason. *The idea of having 10 Commandments not only seems like a Biblical ripoff, but also seems unnecessary for a Space Marine Chapter. Why have them in the first place? **Some of them are completely useless with regards to the Space Marine Chapter this article is supposed to be about. ***For example: Thou shalt not commit adultery. What sort of Space Marine is committing adultery? Think about that for a bit... **Also, why is the whole Jerasian Ark section even a thing? It seems ill-conceived. It also is very unecessary for a Space Marine Chapter. ***If you were writing an article about the planet Jeras and its population, a more well-conceived version of this idea might be more appropriate in that article. The end of the Jerasian Ark section is as far as I got because I was tired and it was honestly getting a little painful to read. There were also a huge amount of grammatical errors that made it even harder to read. I honestly think there are some solid core ideas within this Chapter, but I personally thing it needs a lot of thought and re-working. For example, come up with why the Chapter would have a chimeric Gene-Seed (changing their Founding to the 21st 'Cursed' Founding would be a good start). Best of luck, IllumiNini (talk) 14:49, February 8, 2017 (UTC) You Illu wont' remember it,but there has been debate about chimeric geneseed before and as far as I know, it is cool with our rules unless some part of the geneseed is of traitors, Soul Drinkers, Grey Knights or Space Wolves. I'm also pretty sure there is Ultramarines lore where Astartes have contact with their family. --Remos talk 17:10, February 8, 2017 (UTC) Do you really claim that this chapter recruits abhumans? Because these Jerassians are clearly not human with such prolonged puberty and childhood... It is also definately not possible that this chapter could just have an Imperial Fist venerated Dreadnought parked in their backyard. That is absolutely silly, as is a claim that a current (as of 999.999.M41) chaptr master would be 10k years old. It is so absurd that it is NCF. --Remos talk 17:26, February 8, 2017 (UTC) @Algrim: Yeah... Definitely don't remember that haha. But as I said - it seems a bit odd to me to make their Gene-Seed Chimeric unless there was a good reason. Ah well. Seems to be a non-issue with regards to this article, now. @Breacher9391: *In the Infobox, I think you've listed some unnecessary information under Allies. **The Astra Militarum and the Imperium Nacy are almost always (if not absolutely always) allies of any given Space Marine Chapter, so listing either of those is a bit redundant. Listing them doesn't hurt, of course, but redundant nonetheless. **I noticed that you listed two Space Marine Chapters in brackets as part of the 'Space Marines' Allies point. It might be better to simply have the names of those two Chapters in the Allies field and nothing else. *Given that the Chapter was Founded during the 23rd Founding, it would be impossible for any Chapter Master to have served as a Battle Brother (or in any other capacity) within the Imperial Fists Legion before the Horus Heresy let alone seen the Emperor. *Also, Proof-Reading. **'...Yaakov Mordechai was serve as a Battle Brother...' makes no English sense. Best of luck! IllumiNini (talk) 12:33, February 13, 2017 (UTC) Hey, I'm not sure you're quite understanding the age limit on Space Marines here. You have a 23rd Founding Chapter. Lord Commander Dante is the oldest Space Marine alive (excluding Dreadnoughts) and probably one of the oldest ever to have lived. Even the Dreadnoughts of the Strom Zealot Chapter (regardless of genetic lineage or Chapter Founding dates) is unlikely to be older than Dante, either. Even Logan Grimnar has been the Great Wolf (Chapter Master) of the Space Wolves for 700 years and he is one of the oldest Space Marines alive. With the aforementioned in mind, it is unlikely that members of the Storm Zealots Chapter (dead or alive) have lived longer than either or these two great Astartes let alone lived that long and not become Chapter Master. A good rule of thumb I find is that any given Astartes within your Chapter (dead or alive) cannot live past 500 years. This will stop you breaking cannon. So for example, Scout Sergeant Omri could not exist as a Character within your Chapter since the War of the Beast was in Mid-M32 and the Storm Zealots are from the 23rd Founding. Then there's some other inconsistencies in your article. For example - if we disregard the aforementioned poit on Space Marine age for a moment - you say that Chapter Master Yaakov Mordechai ... was recruited ... during the War of the Beast and the 3rd Black Crusade.... Those two wars were 400 years apart. How does his recruitment process take 400 years? Astartes can be recruited, trained, elevated to Company Captain, and then be killed in action (possibly even twice over) during this sort of time period. Also: Proof-Reading, Proof-Reading, Proof-Reading! There are so many examples where the sentence doesn't quite make sense because of the way it's worded, or there aren't capital letters for words where there should be, etc etc etc. Before adding any more content, the two things I'd recommend you do is proof-read the entire article and fix the errors and inconsistencies, otherwise it's only going to get worse. Best of luck! IllumiNini (talk) 06:47, February 17, 2017 (UTC) This anti-semitism, oy vey — NecrusIV [[User_Talk:NecrusIV|(Talk)]] 09:49, December 30, 2017 (UTC)